Olympic Torch Tours Los Angeles; Fires Rage, 1000's Evacuated
LOS ANGELES - Celebration turned to tragedy in Los Angeles where the Olympic Torch relay sparked wildfires that incinerated homes, destroyed wildlife and sent thousands of residents fleeing for their lives.
Kutcher Becomes Victim of Prank
SANTA BARBARA, CA – Just weeks before self-proclaimed “King of Pop” Michael Jackson was arrested on suspicion of child molestation, “Punk’d”, a popular MTV show which plays elaborate pranks on celebrities, taped an episode at the Neverland Ranch for their upcoming season.
Hooray! It's the The Daily Bull's third anniversary special, and guess what? It's the shortest one ever because no one gives a rat's ass about it.
College Nerds Refuse to Graduate
SASKATOON, CANADA – During the past decade, college and university enrollment rates in North America have been curiously rising. Hundreds of thousands of students a year attend their schools of choice in order to learn a specific trade or to test their alcohol tolerance. And while the stories of the freshmen have been told many times over, there remains a group frequently ignored.
FOXNews Orders An End to Word-Plays on Coleman TV Series and Bizarre Actions
LOS ANGELES - Fox News Channel senior vice president John Moody has ordered an end to Gary Coleman related short-insane-has-been jokes, according to a report set for Monday release.
Stockboy Wishes Stud Image Would Appeal to Younger Women
WINNIPEG, MB - Grocery store stockboy Jeff Reinert told friends late Thursday that he wished that the stud image he has developed over the last three years at Big Bob's MegaFood would translate to girls his own age.
Penis-Enlargement Pill Failure May Finally Be Solved
ALBUQUERQUE, NM - Penis-enlargement supplements, which have been advertising on the Internet and through spam for many years now, have been notorious for not living up to their claims. Thousands of people have paid up to $100 per bottle for these miracle drugs, despite massive numbers of testimonials against them.
Ricky Martin’s Walk-in-Closet Door Swings Open
CALIFORNIA – Former Latino heartthrob Ricky Martin has announced that he went back into the studio and recorded a new album. Many wonder why he thinks this was necessary, as Latino music went out with tight leather pants and dancing hamsters.
God Calls For Retirement of Pat Robertson
VATICAN CITY - Amid a blaze of lights, God called for Pat Robertson's retirement at a press conference early Friday. Earlier this week, Robertson called on Americans to pray for the retirement of several liberal Supreme Court justices on his TV show, "The 700 Club."
Bush Sweetens Road Map Deal With Coupons
TEL AVIV - In a bid to gain more local support for his "road map" to peace in Israel, President Bush announced at a press conference late Saturday that the U.S. would include valuable cents-off coupons to all civilians who buy-in to the idea.
Hobo Sells Outdated Calenders
SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS - In the latter half of this year, and through the clever use of diction and quick slight of hand, Willy Jabs, a traveling hobo, has successfully sold 135 mini desk-calenders of the year 2002. Jabs came up with the idea of selling outdated calenders when a close friend died after being crushed by a box of old calenders thrown out of a Hallmark office building. Now, Jabs simply wants his friend's legacy to live on in the "homes and office cubicals of loving families," he says with pride. "As a matter of fact, most of them still have his blood soaked through the last couple pages."
Adobe Annouces New Photoshop
SAN JOSE - In what has been cited by industry analysts as a forward-thinking move, computer software Adobe’s President and CEO Bruce Chizen has announced the newest addition to the acclaimed Photoshop line of software. Photoshop LFE, he said, was designed for the customer in mind. "Lens Flare Edition is made to do just that," Chizen proudly reported. "We have done extensive research and noticed that a key portion of our demographic considers their 'leet Photoshop skillz' to be their ability to add Lens Flare to photographs. We have created a version to do just that, and nothing more." Chizen also reported that they would be entering into a groundbreaking partnership with online game 'publisher' Razor 1911 after realizing that there are approximately 3,000,000 Photoshop users, and they have sold 7 copies of the software.
Police Outfits Public with Guns to Combat Sniper
MARYLAND - In a bold attempt to empower the public in the wake of the seemingly random sniper attacks in the past 3 weeks, the Montgomery County Police Department has announced plans to outfit the general public with high-powered firearms. "Now, I'm not suggesting people take the law in their own hands," explained Chief Bill Lass, "but if you see someone who resembles the sniper, feel free to fire at will." When reminded that the police have not released any definite description of the sniper, Chief Lass responded, "Yes, that is correct." Police have cautioned the public, however, that with a firing rate of about 650 rounds per minute, an UZI requires a forward-weighted stance to control in full automatic mode.
Milwaukee Most Misspelled City Name
MILLWAUKI, WI - City officials were dismayed to discover that, in a recent Gallup poll, Milwalky was declared the most misspelled city name in the United States. "What is so difficult about the city's name?" asked Milwahki mayor John Norquist. "I mean so what if it has a large collection of vowels that can have their sounds reproduced in dozens of ways. At least Milwaukey doesn't have any silent consonants!"
For Sale Sign Store Not For Sale
BAKERVILLE, ID - Bob Remington wants everyone to know, his store is not for sale. Despite appearances and the name of the store, "For Sale Store," the business and building are not being sold. "I'm sick and tired of getting offers to buy my store, or people asking why I'm selling," Remington, who's store features 25 brand new for sale signs in it's window, tells the Daily Bull. "People walk by my store and don't come in because they think I'm closed and for sale... I'm not!" Reminton went on to explain that selling a For Sale sign is a Herculean task, and he hopes to revamp the location into a store that specializes in "Closed" signs.