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BACK FROM THE DEAD 4 YEARS LATER.
Penis-Enlargement Pill Failure May Finally Be Solved
ALBUQUERQUE, NM - Penis-enlargement supplements, which have been advertising on the Internet and through spam for many years now, have been notorious for not living up to their claims. Thousands of people have paid up to $100 per bottle for these miracle drugs, despite massive numbers of testimonials against them.
George Foreman Unveils New Baby Grill
HOUSTON - Famed boxer George Foreman unveiled a new grill early Monday that he says is intended for cooking "all things baby." The appliance, which is much smaller than a normal grill, is designed to meet the average person's baby cooking needs both inexpensively and tastily.
FDA Approves EverQuest for Birth Control Use
WASHINGTON, DC - Officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced early Tuesday that they have recently approved the computer game EverQuest as a viable form of contraception. Sony later revealed plans to donate computers and copies of the game to members of the white trash segment of America.
Satire News Webmaster Writes Cliche-Filled Article
WINNIPEG, Canada - Webmaster Michael Kurz admitted yesterday that an average of three out of every five articles that are posted on his website are specifically tailored to include cliches that are popular on a much larger website.
.Mac Outage Blamed on Old Service Manuals
CUPERTINO, CA - Thousands of paying customers were left without any e-mail access for up to serveral days when Apple's .Mac service went completely offline. Today Apple announced that they have discovered the source of all the problems that are plaguing the fledgling service.
NVIDIA Unveils New Video Card for Porn Enthusiasts
NEW YORK - At a recent technology convention, video card manufacturer NVIDIA announced a new line of graphics acceleration products specifically aimed at the pornography enthusiast market. Also announced were the preliminary features that the new card will have.
Poor Russian Safety Record Causes NSYNC Haters to Rejoice
MOSCOW - People who hate Lance Bass and the boy band NSYNC were delighted to learn that the Russian Aviation and Space Agency was responsible for countless space-related mishaps, raising hopes that the Soyuz 5 capsule containing Bass might also be added to the list of spectacular explosions.
SatireWire: "Strewth!"
NEW HAVEN, CT - Citing "creative differences" with his staff members - the pessimistic Me, the ever insightful Myself, and the consistently funny I - SatireWire oligarch Andrew Marlatt decided to call it quits after 159 Internet years.
Historical Site Lacks Flash, Complain Students
HODGENVILLE, KY - Experts are warning that children have become too wrapped up with the Internet, and cite a recent field trip by Springfield sixth graders to Lincoln Homestead State Park in which many students complained that the historical site failed to meet any of their expectations and should have utilized more Flash.
Anthropologists Astounded By Lack-of-Nutcracker Ingenuity
BILLINGS, WA - Anthropologists from around the globe have gathered here to observe firsthand what many experts are calling the greatest discovery since "that tribe that never saw a white guy before." Faced with the insurmountable obstacle of opening nuts without a nutcracker, the McTavish family has returned to their most basic, primeval instincts.
| Sugar That Kills
SINGAPORE - Sugar cane farmers experimenting with cocaine-induced hydroponics have successfully created a strain of sugar cane that is 5000 times sweeter than regular granulated sugar. So sweet in fact, they accidentally destroyed an entire species of cane-eating rodent within two weeks of seeding the fields.
Child Protection Group Pays $1.5M for Offensive URL
KENTON, WY - A child protection group based in Milwaukee has reportedly paid $1.5 million to local webmaster Jim Shillings to acquire a domain name that it deems inappropriate and completely offensive to the public.
Netscape and Apple Users Join Forces
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a groundbreaking announcement early Friday, Apple's Steve Jobs and Netscape founder Mark Andreessen announced that the two corporations had reached an agreement which would see their user bases combine to form a full 1% of the computer market.
Miami PD Unveils New Tool
MIAMI - A recent rash of crime has hit the city’s streets and the local police are fed up. They are getting ready to fight back with the help of some unlikely friends. Gangsta rappers are being brought into the city to help the police
design a new crimefighting weapon, "Gangzta, the Crimefighting Rapperbot."
Eternal Life Cockring Allows Humans to Live Forever
OKOTEE FALLS, WA - Japinder Dhaljeet's cockrings, reputed to grant eternal life to all those who wear them, are taking the continent by storm following a massive spamming campaign on message boards and in chatrooms all across the Internet.
Device Gives Women Orgasms
BERLIN - Scientists have scored an orgasmic breakthrough in researching aphrodisiacs, coming up with the ultimate sex toy for females. Head researcher, Dr. Robert Hykel got the idea after watching a classic episode of Drew Carey where Mimi used vibrating underwear for pleasure.
New iMac Returns to Home Planet
Steve Jobs, Apple Fans Left Stunned
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CUPERTINO, CA - The new iMac stunned both Steve Jobs and Apple fans around the world when it announced Tuesday that it has decided to return to its home planet. The move comes as a shock to high-tech analysts, especially since the new iMac was expected to hit stores in the coming weeks.
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Winnipeg Man Invents a Cheaper Segway
Canadian Version to Sell for $34.98 Plus Tax
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WINNIPEG, MB - When the famous Segway scooter was unveiled slightly more than a month ago, Robert Feather, 43, balked at the four-figure price tag. Now, after nearly eight days of working alone in his garage, Feather has produced what he is calling the first ever multi-purpose, all-seasonal scooter out of materials that "were just laying around."
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Majority of Internet 47/M/Masturbating
Web Overflowing with Pedophiles, Perverts and Sickos
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PARIS - French researchers have recently announced that, contrary to popular
belief, slightly over 67% of all Internet users are 47/m/masturbating. This
new information has surfaced in light of several studies done in the last
six months.
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