MOGADISHU, SOMALIA (SatireWire)— Red Cross officials in Somalia, which in September became the last African nation to go online, appealed for calm today as the country anxiously awaits the Great Internet Bubble, which many fear will wreak havoc on their villages, livestock, and loved ones.
"It is said that once you are on this Internet, it is inevitable that the Great Bubble will come for you," bemoaned Issaq tribesman Siad Barre, who stood guard outside his home with a rusted AK-47. "I have heard it appears like a thief in the night and will steal our goats and children."
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A Somali tribesman scans the skies for signs of the Great Internet Bubble.
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"No no, the Great Bubble is made of sand," said Barre's neighbor, Farah Abgaal. "It rides the wind and will swallow us whole. That gun is no use, Siad. You are a fool."
Both Abgaal and Barre dismissed as "Western lies" the Red Cross' explanation that the so-called Internet Bubble is not some kind of animal or phantom, but an economic term to describe a period of intense speculation. Instead, they heed the counsel of clan leaders who warn that the Great Bubble has devoured America and much of Europe, and will soon come for them.
In a speech in downtown Mogadishu last night, Gen. Gidir Muhammed warned people to be on the lookout for "mighty portents and omens" that will precede the Bubble's arrival. "First we will behold the Vile Infusion of the Venture Capitalists, who will offer us riches in return for our enslavement," said Muhammed. "Then will come the evil Dotcoms, who will take over our coffee houses and seduce us with jobs of great promise."
Muhammed predicted that he alone could stop the Bubble, but only if rival clans rallied around him and killed his enemies.
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Buy the SatireWire book, dammit!
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In response to the speech, roving thugs immediately executed 145 businessmen. "They were agents of the Great Bubble," one soldier explained. "It has the fangs of a boar and arrives in a Hummer."
Asked if he actually believed that, the soldier became quiet for a moment, then whispered, "Not really. We just talk like this to get on CNN. How'd Intel do today? My E*Trade account is down again."
Added Siad Barre, still holding his AK-47: "We will see who is the fool, Farrah Abgaal, when the Bubble makes kishwari with your wife!"
Copyright © 2002 SatireWire. Reprinted by permission as part of a multi-site Internet tribute to Andrew Marlatt's SatireWire. A complete list of Andrew Marlatt's articles is available at the SatireWire Archive.
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Satire is a tough business, and Andrew single-handedly fended off the infamous Internet demons that consume so many websites today, and created a truly unique and hilarious site. Many people
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