VATICAN CITY - Amid a blaze of lights, God called for Pat Robertson's retirement at a press conference early Friday. Earlier this week, Robertson called on Americans to pray for the retirement of several liberal Supreme Court justices on his TV show, "The 700 Club."
Robertson has launched a prayer offensive directed at the Supreme Court in the wake of its 6-3 June vote that decriminalized sodomy. Robertson claims that the ruling "has opened the door to homosexual marriage, bigamy, legalized prostitution and even incest." He called on his viewers to ask God to convince the old and cancerous ones to retire and make room for justices more suitable to the fundamental Christian agenda.
And pray they did.
"Within a few hours," stated the Lord, "my prayer inbox was filled with over 7 million messages, all with the same subject heading. I normally get a lot of prayers on any given day, but when that many people start asking for the same thing, I occassionally look into it."
"But look at this," He scolded, holding up a piece of paper. "All it says is, 'Let righteous candidates come forth! In Jesus Name!' Come on, people, that's not even a complete prayer, but this is what I received over and over. I thought you all knew how to pray better than that."
The Ruler of Man explained that He had forgotten about Pat Robertson all these years. "When you're omnipotent, time just doesn't go by in the same way. It suddenly hit Me that Pat is getting up there in his years, too, and there he was calling for other people to retire. This is why I created Freedom 55," He said in reference to Robertson, 73.
The Lord stated that Robertson had to cease preaching immediately to make room for someone who will spread the Word with a more modern bent. When asked about all the other religious leaders who are much older than Robertson, He shrugged.
"Pat's a good guy at heart, but he's always had a problem with authority. When he's not finding faults in it, he isn't filling out forms, and he never submitted his tenure application like Mother Theresa and John Paul here did," He explained. "There isn't much I can do; rules are rules, and My rules are law."
In recognition of Pat's years of service, however, the Lord said that Heaven was prepared to offer him a generous severance package. "He won't have to spend eternity in Hell," He said, smiling.