SANTA BARBARA, CA – Just weeks before self-proclaimed “King of Pop” Michael Jackson was arrested on suspicion of child molestation, “Punk’d”, a popular MTV show which plays elaborate pranks on celebrities, taped an episode at the Neverland Ranch for their upcoming season. The visit went horribly awry as baby-faced host Ashton Kutcher was lured into Jackson’s bedroom and disappeared for several hours. Kutcher has since come forward with information regarding just what went on during the taping.
A press conference was held, where Kutcher and his show’s producers first explained that it was to be one of their much-talked about ‘revenge pranks’. Former child star Macaulay Culkin initially set up the encounter, and had creative control over its planning. Jackson and Culkin are known to have a questionable history, which “Punk’d” fully intended to exploit for fun and profit. While the star of Home Alone did not attend the press conference himself, Kutcher explained the details to the audience of snickering pseudo-journalists.
“As screwed up emotionally as he is, Mac [sic] still kept ties with Neverland for some reason. It was probably the easiest step-up we’ve ever had for the show. They sent Mac, like, 50 day-passes when his secretary phoned to plan a meeting, in case he wanted to bring some friends. She thinks she might have heard Jacko in the background, too, unless he trained his pet parrot to scream out “Thriller!” No one could really tell.
“So, all of us homeboys got in without any security checks, but we did have to hide a few cameras inside some dolls, lining the stairs. While the crew was doing that, Mac passed a message onto Jacko that he was going to be waiting in the master bedroom with the lights out. I don’t know why Mac wanted to do this; he didn’t tell us what he was going to do. Jacko must have given him a complex, or something.”
To which he added, “Um, I don’t know if they ever went all the way, so don’t ask.”
“So, while this was going down, I was looking around the place, and found this room. There were toys everywhere, just getting dusty, so I figure I have some time to hang around there. But the room was more stuffed than Fred Durst’s pants - Burn! - And I tripped and fell onto the floor. I twisted my ankle, and was trying to crawl to the door, when the lights went out. I heard giggling behind me…”
When Kutcher could not continue due to hiccups, he was immediately cooed at by the portion of the audience comprised of teenage girls with notepads, all reporting for their high school newspapers. Despite reassurance that they still wanted to have his babies, Kutcher went offstage to get professional counseling.
Michael Jackson’s representatives refused to comment on the situation, calling the accusations “moronic” because “a person such as Mr. Kutcher doesn’t suit Mr. Jackson’s tastes.” They did not specify which one of Kutcher’s attributes was a turn-off. Possibilities include his age, his height, and lack of fatal disease.
Kutcher’s girlfriend, 40-year old actress Demi Moore, is said to be furious at Jackson for his attempts to seduce her boyfriend. When asked to elaborate, she left this message for her rival:
“I was the one who bought him a Playstation for his birthday, and don’t you forget it!”
There are also rumors from acquaintances that Moore will “totally go G.I. Jane on Jacko’s ass” adding laughing, “after he gets one surgically implanted.”
It is unclear whether or not the fight will be televised on Celebrity Boxing if it occurs. Meanwhile, MTV has made an official statement that the footage taken at Neverland will not be used in an episode of “Punk’d”, except “like, maybe during sweeps.”